Dealing with death is unfortunately something everyone will face in their life, but that does not make the process any easier or less uncomfortable. Talking about death or trying to support someone who is grieving can often leave people feeling flustered or awkward and ultimately lead them to say the wrong thing.
While we have the best intentions, saying a clichéd statement about death is bound to happen. None of us want to upset anyone any further, so keep reading to learn what and what not to say to someone who is grieving.
What not to say: "They're in a better place," or “everything happens for a reason.”
“Bright side” statements like the ones above are most likely said to everyone mourning a loss. They’re an attempt to cheer the person up by putting a positive spin on the situation. However, the goal of being there for someone during a time of grieving is not necessarily to make them feel better—it’s to be present, there for them, and make them feel less alone in the situation.
What to say instead: "I'm sorry you're suffering."
Losing someone is painful, so it’s important to show those dealing with that loss that you’re there for them. Plain and simple.
What not to say: "Please let me know if you need anything,” or “Let me know how I can help.”
Hearing these phrases from multiple people can be quite overwhelming for those grieving. It not only gives them one more thing to do, but also puts the burden on them to ask for help.
What to say: "I'll bring groceries over later this week," or "I’ll come over Wednesday to do some loads of laundry and cook dinner."
Offering tangible ways you can help provides one less thing for them to worry about. People tend to be more willing to accept support when it’s a specific rather than an open-ended offer.
What not to say: "I know how you feel."
Dealing with loss and grief is not one size fits all. While it is a universal experience, no two people have the same relationship with someone, and how one experiences loss can be completely different than how someone else does.
What to say: "I can only imagine how you're feeling."
Indicating that you’ve been through something similar can provide comfort without invalidating their specific feelings.
What not to say: "They would have wanted it this way."
Unless they pre-planned their funeral or services, there is no way to know what they would have wanted—whether it’s an extravagant memorial service or a simple funeral. Speaking for the deceased opens the door for unnecessary disagreements or arguments between friends and family, as everyone might have different opinions on the matter.
What to say: "I'd like to honor them this way."
Give concrete details and explain why you’d like to honor them in this particular way. It gives all those involved a better understanding of your relationship and might tap into a specific time period or characteristic of the deceased that everyone will want to remember.
What not to say: "You're handling this better than I expected," or “You’re so strong.”
It’s highly likely that they might just be putting on a happy face while they’re surrounded by people or in a public place. Comments like this might make them feel like they’re not grieving the “right” way, or that they’re weak for feeling anything other than strong.
What to say: "You might not be feeling great, and that's okay," or “Tell me how you’re feeling.”
It’s important to let those who are grieving feel however they want to feel. There is no right or wrong way to cope with loss. Let them know you’re there for them and that however they’re feeling at that time is valid.
What not to say: "You should…” or “Try to…”
Unsolicited advice is a surefire way to make someone feel judged while they’re in the process of mourning a loss. Unless they’ve asked you for advice, refrain from giving them any.
What to say: "What would you like to do?” or “Move at your own pace.”
While it’s always hard to see someone you know or love grieving, you cannot force them to get through the healing process faster. By asking them what they need or saying affirmation statements, you’re showing them that they don’t need to do anything other than grieve in the way that’s best for them.
Planning funeral arrangements while mourning the loss of a loved one is never easy, and it’s important to contact one of the local funeral homes as soon as possible so they can lighten the burden for you.
If you’re located in Calvert County, MD or Prince George’s County, MD, Lee Funeral Homes is here to help. From planning ahead to grief support, contact us today to see how our family can help you.
If you’d like to learn about our service options with cremation, please visit our “Cremation Services” page.
Sign up for one year of weekly grief messages designed to provide strength and comfort during this challenging time.
Verifying your email address
Unsubscribing your email address
You will no longer receive messages from our email mailing list.
Your email address has successfully been added to our mailing list.
There was an error verifying your email address. Please try again later, or re-subscribe.